At Night

I’m drifting up horizontally through some sort of enclosed space. All of my nerves are stimulated, like a full-body headrush. I’m floating horizontally upward into an enclosed space of a different shape than the one I was just in. I begin to right myself, become vertical in this suspended state. And all I can think is:

“I’m inside the head. This is the head.”

I’m inside the hollow head of a figure much larger than me. I’m floating inside of a larger being. I’m in the control center of a giant ghost.

I wake up looking directly into Jean’s eyes. I’m on top of her. We’re on the floor of her bedroom. She’s screaming:

“Stop! Stop! Hey!”

I’m still feeling this full-body head rush. All of my skin is covered in goosebumps and my bones feel cold. I’m crying pretty hard.

“What? What’s happening?” I ask her.

“You wouldn’t stop screaming. You kept pushing me and screaming.”

I move to turn on the light.

“No,” Jean says and turns away. I move my hand away from the light and she slowly turns back around to face me. Her eyes are so black in the dark. I realize then that she’s scared to look directly at me, that once the light is turned on I’ll appear different in a subtle but terrifyingly noticeable way. I realize then that what I am experiencing is the most acute sense of terror I have ever felt. I feel this way because I have become an object of fear and I have no idea why.

Most human beings, acting as objects of fear, have a pretty good idea of why they’re feared. Many of them have made conscious choices and efforts to be feared. Very few stumble into the role as I have just now at 4:43am on April 1st, 2014. When the light is turned on I will appear different in a subtle but terrifyingly noticeable way.